I was born second girl of 4 children,( 2 boys, 2 girls). My parents were not good at teaching us how to deal with emotions and problems. Common giggles and tears were frowned upon as being ill mannered or selfish. So, as I grew up I tryed to please them. Worry was considered sin and still is. There was not any affection expressed in the home. No ” I loved you’s “or “you look nice today.”..My dad was always angry so we had to be “good” so we would not cause him to be stressed. My mom believed in contructively critisizing us, as not to make us spoiled children and teaching us how to behave. We always had chores to do for privileges– nothing was given out without earning it. I became the invisible child, as my sister the oldest was smart and pretty. My brothers met my dad’s needs in sports. So, I grew up shy and quiet and tried to please. Of course, I failed at that. As a teenager, a boy noticed me and I did things to please him which resulted in heartache. In my guilt and shame I asked God to forgive me and I prayed that I could serve Him. At this point in my life my emotions were numb. I attended a Bible College and met my husband there. He brought out my good emotions. He made me laugh and sing. He was in a singing group there.. I was seeking God for a Christian mate where we would serve God together. He noticed me and he was very charming, came from a Christian home and his family showed affection toward one another and told one another ” I love you” all the time. We were married and spend 24 years together. During that time life just was not what I had hoped for at all. I thought I had found a world without anger and there would be expressions of love, giving, kindness,serving… I thought I would be accepted as I was. After my first child, a daughter, was born my husband seemed to change and this was confirmed by him later on. He had such a good sense of humor and made me laugh but then he started to make me cry. Like on purpose and then judge me for my pain. I then started to try and be good enough all over again .

I had to learn not to feel hurt when he said something hurtful, not to be possessive of his time that he gave other females. Judging me that I was being influenced by sin. So our sanctity of marriage was violated at the beginning with a cover of spirituality and in the name of ” God” by ‘ministering” to other women…Emotions that were normal became abnormal. Boundries were not set but even if they were I was too weak to defend them. I would try to talk with him but then I was only trying to “pick a fight”. He had a way of turning everything into my fault . When i would need to talk to him about what hurt me he would smirk at me and walk away shaking his head..His eposodes of kindness and gifts were what I depended on to convince me that he loved me and gave me false hope that if I prayed and was good he would see I loved him and wouldn’t get so mad. Then God would give us a good marriage if I made sacrifices. I thought I had found the man God had for me…we served in the church and owned a bible bookstore for 20 years of our married life. Sang duets, lead a worship team, ran youth camps and youth groups, and he was made an associate pastor and we drew a salary from an indepentant church for 14 years. I gave him incredible power to deceive, overlooking mistakes, rationizing inconsistancies, and excusing his sins. He was dishonest,dishonoring,and I was trivilized and neglected. He was always focusing on the minor issues but not the major. He wore the right clothes, he was at his best behavior in public, affectionate with me and the children in public, told us he loved us all the time, tithed over and above (even when we lived in poverty), We even adopted a handicapped child into our home.

He knew the scriptures very well and had a lot memorized. He had a wonderful charming personality and people were drawn to him. but they came first. He used fear, threats, humiliation to freeze me up. But, it all looked good on the outside. Even my children enjoyed the home they thought they had, until 4 years ago when I found my husband in bed with his co worker. (We had left church work the year before to move closer to our parents and we were without a church home I was without any support system from a church body at this time). As I confronted his sin he became more verbally, mentally abusive and threatening. He justified his sin saying it was my fault for I did not meet his needs. He was like king David and when I had to call police when he entered my home threatening me, he was Joseph falsely imprisioned. He told me he had been sleeping with women since after the first year of our marriage .. Most all of these women he was with were from the churches we served and some were friends and knew all that he told me about.. I asked him to leave but to get help but he refused. He did not have a problem, I did ,and he moved in with his parents. People who were my family for 24 years, who told me they loved me, said “he would not have done this if you had not deserved it” . . At this time I had two adult children and one still at home, a daughter 15 with special needs..I was totally crushed and had to have help from my medical doctor who was very kind and thankful I stayed healthy with his sexual affairs. I went into a depression, my children were very hurt and questioned the reality of our family together and what their dad stood for. I sought comfort from people but was rejected from the church friends we left, my husbands family turned from me ,my sister and brother just did not know what to say or do so they did nothing..

Just my mom was there to help me care for my daughter with CP (who was in a body cast at this time for 2 months from hip surgery.) My co-worker were kind and gave me some of their sick leave so I could stay home and care for my special needs daughter. They weren’t even believers…

I then met a man who helped me care for my daughter, lifted her from her bed to change her sheets, fixed us meals. and we started a relationship…I knew I was rushing into some thing and was not a good example of a strong Christian to my children and wish I had not used my pain to justify my behavor. My ex husband had left saying I was sexually unattractive . This someone thought I was attractive and kind.

Many things have taken place over the next four years and it has been very difficult. I had to get a full time job where my co workers are not so kind. My 15 year old decided to live with her dad, (who built a home just four blocks away from me). He married the women, (17 years younger than him)

that I found him with, He walked away leaving me with tremendous debt and refused to pay me any support . My special daughter loves her daddy and did not want to live without him and I did want her hurt so I agreed. We share custody. My son, 24 now, had a break down in his first year of graduate school. He was married but his wife, a pastor’s daughter, left him because he was ill. He has been in and out of hospitals 5 times in 3 years for mental health care. My daughter, our oldest, is now leaving her husband, who is into pornography and she has two precious daughters, 6 and 4. She tells me she hates her dad and she has stopped praying. Not one person from the churches we ministered in checked on me, my children or even my ex husband…

I am now remarried but life is not the same but I am glad I am out of the verbal, spiritual and emotional abuse. I go to church once a month. I have alot of memories that flood back . I don’t get involved in church work . I would like a christian friend but it is hard to trust. I get lonesome and my new husband does not understand the whole of what I have been though. I don’t expect him to. Please pray for the healing of my children and the rebuilding of all our lives. Thank you.

We also ministered in an abusive church, during those years, where I was told to make my husband submit to the pastor or the umbrella of God’s protection would be removed from our family…now they think they were right because our family is not together anymore…

[Name withheld]