The following is an example of a summary-report after a two-day retreat. Names and some details have been changed to protect confidentiality. ‘Cynthia’ was happy for this to be posted on to the Net. Rowland.

Case study: ‘Cynthia’ (not her real name)

Confidential

Cynthia came for a two-day retreat to talk about her life, her family, her marriage, her relationship with God. She had not done something like this before, and was quite courageous in opening her life to the gentle touch of God…

Cynthia is 39, her husband Tom is 40. Tom was a pastor in a Pentecostal denomination for 15 years, and became ‘burnt out’ (‘scorched out’ Cynthia says). He now works for a Christian organization and is enjoying his work.

Cynthia and Tom grew up – particularly in their teenage years – in dysfunctional families. Tom’s mother took the kids away from their father when he was 11, and was brought up by her from then on. He saw his father some weekends, school holidays, and the kids hated these contacts: the influence of the father (and his drug-taking) were extremely negative.

Cynthia had a happy childhood, but her parents’ marriage fell apart during her adolescence. Her mother would often come into her room and sleep there to get away from her husband, and would confide in her teenage daughter some areas of ‘intimacy problems’ in their marriage which a young teenager should not hear about. Cynthia came to hate her father, and sometimes in rage would tell him so: ‘I hope you die…’ etc.

So these two gifted and committed Christian people did not have the most important ingredient for a successful marriage: the nurturing/mentoring love of a father during their teenage years. The men’s movement’s wisdom about all this may be summarized: if a boy is over-mothered and under-fathered, and thus not properly initiated into manhood, he will sometimes despise women, he’ll be afraid of their anger (‘this is Mother speaking!’) and will not know how to be the emotional/spiritual head of the marriage and the home. Sex will be problematical in various respects, and he will not know how to ‘mentor’ his children. He’ll become reclusive rather than engage the (teenage) children in loving dialogue, and will use excuses like ‘burnt out’, ‘introverted’, ‘just need some space because my job’s so demanding’ etc. Dr. Ross Campbell’s brilliant book, ‘How to Really Love your Teenager’ ought to be read and re-read by parents – particularly fathers – of adolescents. Biddulph’s ‘Manhood’ is another excellent summary of the wisdom of the contemporary men’s movement: my recommendation is that husbands and wives both read it – together with the relevant chapters from my book The Family, mark bits in different colours, and have a weekly ‘date’ to talk about it all. The challenge for the wife in this sort of situation will be to use her tongue in a constructive rather than destructive/shame-producing way. An over-mothered man can’t cope with the shame produced by a ‘nagging’ wife: so the pubs are filled with working-class men escaping from their women (or getting sozzled sufficiently to ‘cope’), whereas middle-class/ professional males escape into workaholism or hobbies or sport. If a man has not received a father’s gift of initiation into manhood and becomes a ‘people-helper’ or pastor, sooner or later he’ll run out of emotional energy. The tank will be empty and he’ll have nothing more to give. Success feeds our egos, but not our soul/spirit.

Cynthia has few intimate friends: this is an urgent need for her. My suggestion: pray about the two or three women her age, with practical mothering/wifing wisdom, to meet with at least once a week for talk and prayer. She needs to do her feeling- and reality-checks with good supportive friends. She also needs a ‘dad she never had’: a caring and wise older male elder can fulfil that role if she can talk to him regularly. Cynthia’s social/psychological boundaries were often invaded during the pastoring years, hence her reluctance to get close to people. She has also lived in Tom’s shadow, because of his leadership role and outstanding public gifts.

Cynthia and Tom’s marriage needs some urgent work on it. They love each other, but there are some deep wounds which can be healed with loving talk, forgiveness and prayer. Sometimes a man and a woman in their situation establish a ‘sexual/intimacy’ covenant: they mutually agree about the ‘sexual variations’ and frequency of sexual relations (she’ll often give the gift of frequency, he’ll give the gift of deep communication and time). They also need to talk about their finances: my recommendation would be to get some good advice about renegotiating their mortgage to see them through the next difficult 18 months, then the period when three teenagers will be at school. Cynthia and Tom need a bit of ‘personal money’ to spend on themselves without the fear of bills not being paid, etc.

The tensions in Cynthia’s and Tom’s lives have spilt over to the kids. Each of their four children have some insecurities or special needs. This must be viewed as a priority for these parents. It is a crucial time for the eldest two in particular: and, again, Dad is the most important person in their personal/emotional development.

I can imagine Tom, as spiritual/emotional head of the family, taking them aside one night, and having a heart-to-heart talk with them (perhaps after the youngest has gone to bed). He will say something like: ‘Kids, the last few years have been hard for your mum and me, and we haven’t coped well with leaving the ministry and starting a new life. And we want to say sorry for any hurt this has caused for you. We love you and want the best for you, and your mum and I are going to start some changes in our lives, and we want to do the same with you… etc. etc. Any suggestions?’ (Now young teenagers often won’t have suggestions in a context like this, but Campbell’s book will provide enough raw material to offer some. Like: dad and the two teenagers spend one-on-one time together regularly (explain why)… etc.

I would recommend that Tom find some ‘mates’ to talk honestly with: the wisdom of the men’s movement is that if we can share intimate things with caring friends in a confidential context, this can ‘stop the rot’ to some extent. Tom could be advised to talk with an older male counselor as well.

My prayers are with you both, and with your family. Don’t give up. Have a spiritual/emotional cleanout and start again. Pray together. Be sensitive to the fact that negative fathering during teenage years has been the main ‘wound’ you both carry. But that wound can be healed, with God’s help.

Shalom!

(Rev. Dr. Rowland Croucher)