Go Placidly amid  the noise and haste, and

   remember what peace there may be in silence

   As far as possible without surrender be on

   good terms with all persons
   Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and

   listen to others, even the dull and

   ignorant; they too have their story
   Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they

   are vexation to the spirit
   If you compare yourself to others, you may

   become vain and bitter; for always there

   will be greater and lesser persons than

   yourself
   Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans
   Keep interested in your own career; however

   humble, it is a real possession in the

   changing fortune of time
   Exercise caution in your business affairs;

   for the world is full of trickery
   But let this not blind you to what virtue

   there is; many persons strive for high

   deals; and everywhere life is full of heroism
   Be yourself.  Especially do not feign

   affection
   Neither be cynical about love; for in the

   face of all aridity and disenchantment it

   is perennial as the grass
   Take kindly the counsel of the years

   gracefully surrendering the things of youth
   Nurture strength of spirit to shield you

   in sudden misfortune.  But do not distress

   yourself with imaginings
   Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness
   Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with

   yourself
   You are a child of the universe, no less than

   the trees and the stars; you have a right

   to be here
   And whether or not it is clear to you, no

   doubt the universe is unfolding as it should
   Therefore be at peace with God,  whatever you

   conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors

   and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life

   keep peace with your soul
   With all its shame, drudgery and broken

   dreams, it is still a beautiful world
   Go carefully and strive to be happy.

 

from National Lampoon

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,

And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,

And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss, and when.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,

and despite the changing fortunes of time,

There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember The Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.

Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,

Especially with those persons closest to you –

That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls

Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan.

And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Ken.

Take heart in the bedeepening gloom

That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot,

It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe.

You have no right to be here.

And whether you can hear it or not,

The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god,

Whatever you perceive him to be – hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,

The world continues to deteriorate.

Give up!