Too much praise is NOT a good thing.

Cheryl Critchley

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Telling kids mediocre efforts are fabulous has an adverse effect, writes Cheryl Critchley

HAVE you ever looked at your child’s truly crappy art work and told them it was FANTASTIC? Or watched them lose a basketball game by 145 points and said it was a brilliant effort?

I hate to admit it, but I am guilty as charged.

As parents we try to build our children’s self-esteem and make them feel special. We want to praise their efforts, whether it be a blob of a picture or completely mangled cupcakes.

My son used to bring home paper with squiggly lines and splats he insisted were trains. Instead of honestly saying, “Mmm, blobs’’, I’d coo, “What a great picture’’ or “Wow, that is so cool’’. Praise is important in building a child’s self-esteem, but can we cheer kids too much? Experts say yes.

They argue that children soon see through fake praise and become suspicious of it.

Some say we are raising “praise junkies’’ and it’s not only parents who are guilty.

Teachers also can be reluctant to offer even constructive criticism, and in the US some have replaced red pens with a less confronting lavender. Parenting educator Michael Grose says too much praise becomes “like water off a duck’s back’’ and can be demotivating.

“If a child is told everything he does is fantastic, how will he know when he has done something that really is fantastic?’’ Grose says. “Sometimes mediocrity needs to be recognised for what it is rather than boosted to another level.’’

Grose says some kids are addicted to praise and wonder what is wrong if they “don’t get their fix’’. He says encouragement is far more powerful in building self-esteem without adverse side-effects.

“Encouragement comments focus on effort, improvement, involvement, enjoyment and contribution whereas praise concerns itself with good results,’’ he says.

The key is to ration your praise and not withdraw it completely. If my daughter hasn’t tried with her homework, I’ll say, “That looks OK, but you could make it better with some more colour or pictures’’. That way she knows she could improve, but doesn’t think she is a failure.

University of Newcastle education and psychology lecturer Dr Jill Scevak says over-praise can be a symptom of overprotective parenting. She says it is important to praise improvement and effort rather than just achievement.

“They should be rewarded for specific goals that they achieve or if they’ve improved in a particular skill,’’ she says.

“What doesn’t happen enough in schools is . . . if the kid’s done better than they did last time . . . they don’t seem to get praised for it. If they’re not recognised for that, then they’re not motivated.’’ PSYCHOLOGIST and parent Nicole Pierotti quotes a study by psychologist Carol Dweck, who found too much of the wrong praise creates underperforming kids unwilling to try because they fear failure. Two groups completed puzzles. Some were praised for their intelligence; others were praised for their effort. Both groups then chose an easy or difficult puzzle. Ninety per cent of those praised for their effort chose the harder puzzle. Those praised for their intelligence chose the easy one.

“When we praise children for their intelligence, it seems we’re really telling them to look smart and don’t risk making mistakes,’’ Pierotti says.

“Praise is important, but how and what you praise is the key. Praise the effort your child makes, saying things like, `I like how you keep trying’ or `You worked hard at gymnastics today’.

“Also, keep your praise specific so your child knows exactly what they did to earn it.

“And be sure to keep your praise sincere. Children over seven know the difference between real and fake praise and are as suspicious of fake praise as adults.’’

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