Duffy & Snellgrove, 1998.

O.K. Aussie blokes, if you wanna book about Being a (Modern) Man you can get in any ABC
shop, is replete with expletives, assumes you’re oversexed, single and young, gives you
valuable information on how to defend yourself in pub brawls, and has little or nothing to
say about the modern men’s movement (except to caricature it), here’s your book.

It’ll teach you how to: make a smoke bomb, impress a woman (I don’t remember anything
about respect or commitment), cheat at cards, buy a car (good section, that one), ask for
a raise, land a jumbo that’s been hijacked (always wondered about that), spot a cheap
suit, do a full- or half-windsor tie-knot, and lots of other incredibly useful things. The
thesis is right there in the Introduction: ‘If men are going to survive as a viable force
in the next century, they’re going to have discover anew the one thing Men have always
done better than women, and probably always will: cheating (italics there’s).

In the category of ‘Some-things-I-should-have-learned’: you can buy
charcoal-impregnated insoles if your feet smell; a good suit will have five stitches per
centimetre of seam; don’t buy anything brown (‘popular with the old Soviet Union’s
politburo and look where it got them’); don’t buy grey shoes (‘they’re all too light for
your dark trousers… worn only by race touts and the better breed of pimp); cardigans
are for people over sixty; for non-boozers: toasting with water will bring you bad luck –
just touch an empty glass or get some orange juice; never admit to farting even if there
are only two of you (strange advice when you can admit to just about anything else!).

Re employment: When being interviewed for a job you might like to ‘surreptitiously
mirror the posture and gestures of your interviewer. It’s an old trick of psychology.’
‘Speak your mind when asked; but hold your tongue at all other times. This is a rule to
live and die by in the office.’ ‘Every person should quit a job sometime in their life, if
only to treasure the experience for the remainder of their days.’

What women like/don’t like about men? ‘Women are just not impressed by men who talk to
their breasts’. (True: I have a large-breasted client who tells me a common request to men
is: ‘Hey, I’m up here!’). Another bit of wisdom: ‘Dilated pupils are one of the strongest
sub-conscious signs of arousal and interest… males and females respond to the pupils
of others.’ Another good one: ‘Women are sub-consciously thinking about the long-term’
(I’d change that to ‘usually consciously’). ‘Only 30-40% of women are capable of achieving
orgasm through simple intercourse.’ ‘The jury’s still out on the G-spot’ (probably true).
‘[If she says the relationship is over] never promise you’ll become a better human
being… If she doesn’t like the way you are, she probably won’t like you a whole lot
better once you’ve tried to change’ (I’d modify that one in some cases).

Spirits (the alcoholic kind): White wines come off better a bit chilled. Reds are best
at room temperature (except in the tropics). Then there’s a lot of info about different
wines, liquers, the hard stuff, and hangovers…

These guys don’t like the modern men’s movement – or some aspects of it. For example:
‘Many’s the time we’ve heard otherwise sane men bewailing the loss of some semi-mythic
culture in the anonymity of the modern world… These pantywaists [reviewer’s note;
never heard of ’em] almost always become very enthusiastic about dopey "wildman"
seminars, where otherwise normal grown-ups paint themselves with mud and beat drums, in
the mistaken belief that they’re getting in touch with some sort of primal manbeast
within…’ Pity about throwing the baby out with the bath-water…

Overall – what’s the word for it? – an interesting read. Although the humour is crude,
even this clergyperson had to laugh at the story of the cat who got fat, the mystery
solving another one: the case of the missing used condoms! The chapter on First Aid might
be worth the price of the book; and there are some good tips for those not properly
domesticated.

A comment on Descartes: ‘Unfortunately, Descartes couldn’t actually prove a whole lot;
he started with "I think, therefore I am", and pretty much gave up after that.
Still, it was a fair start.’

Not-so-rare wisdom:

· ‘Try not to buy a car until it becomes unavoidable. [It] will cost you $100 a week
to own and operate. You need a decent income to handle that.’

· ‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it’
(Bob Hope). ‘Banks are not your friends. They don’t loan (sic) you money out of the
decency of their hearts, no matter what their advertising may suggest.’

· ‘Junk food is a vicious plot by the moneyed ruling classes to fatten up and kill the
proles’ 

There’s an interesting chapter on books you must read (some sophistication/erudition
there; the authors spent a few years at university. But they – and the publisher’s editor
– sidestepped English: they don’t know the difference between ‘lend’/’loan’ and
‘lie/lay’).

There’s little or nothing about religion (except the blasphemy). The best answer in the
chapter ‘Do You Wanna Live Forever?’ is missing.

Oh, that’ll do. There are some interesting/useful nuggets in the chapters ‘The Manly
Art of Biff (How to Not Get Beaten Up)’ and ‘Cooking: Food as Foreplay’

Finally: A note on Sir Howard Walter Florey in the Culture section: ‘(1898-1968)
Australian scientist who isolated penicillin from the antibacterial mould discovered by
Sir Alexander Fleming. In doing so, this pair have probably saved more lives than anybody
else in the history of the world. Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oy! Oy! Oy!’

Rowland Croucher

August 1999.