I began this back in early May 2012, and came back to it early October. I don’t know why I chose to open the file – curiosity about the title ‘Freedom from victimhood’ and what on earth I would have written under such a title, most likely. It wasn’t finished back in May, and I don’t remember why I stopped then and didn’t come back to it for so long. But having opened it, like Pandora’s Box, I couldn’t close it again until it was finished.

Now it feels finished, and I feel that I have taken another step forward. Trusting that things will work out seems right, not an abrogation of responsibility like it used to feel. Trusting that Jesus is the way, and that I am free to follow him in my own way, in my own time, I have found a place to be.

Reflection on Mark, 10: 46-52

” ……..Jesus and his disciples travelled through Jerichowith a large crowd in tow. As they were leaving town, there was a destitute blind man sitting at the side of the road begging for money from the passers-by. He was known only as Bartimaeus — a reference to his father. Bartimaeus picked up that it was Jesus of Nazareth going past, and he began to shout at the top of his lungs, saying, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy. Help me!”

……..People tried to stand over him and shut him up, but he just upped the volume even more: “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy. Help me!”
……..Jesus pulled up in his tracks and said, “Call him over.”

……..So the people called him, saying, “Come on! It’s your lucky day. Jesus is calling you.”

……..Bartimaeus was on his feet in a flash. He didn’t even bother picking up his things; he just hurried over to Jesus. Jesus asked him, “What can I do for you?”
……..The blind man answered, “Teacher, I want to see again.”

……..Jesus said to him, “Done! Your faith has paid off, making you whole.”

……..And sure enough — just like that — Bartimaeus regained his vision and began to follow Jesus on the way.

©2000 Nathan Nettleton www.laughingbird.net”

from Mark for Everyone by Tom Wright p145:

“Now, imagine yourself as the blind man. We all have something, by no means necessarily a physical ailment, that we know is getting in the way of our being the people we believe God wants us to be and made us to be. Sit by the roadside and listen to the crowd. Examine your own feelings when you discover it’s Jesus coming by. Call out to him, and when he summons you, put everything aside and go to him. And when he asks you what you want him to do, go for it. Don’t back down to the small selfish comforts of victimhood. Ask for freedom, for salvation. And when you get it, be prepared to follow Jesus wherever he goes next.”

Ouch. Double ouch, in fact.

I never really paid a lot of attention to this story on the few occasions I came across it. So, the blind guy gets healed and follows Jesus – great stuff, good for him, one of many, blah, blah. It’s one of those stories we are so familiar with, partly because there are so many blind people who are healed, that it tends to wash over us. It wasn’t until I had a few of the details explained to me that I finally started to understand the depth of meaning in this particular story.

The first thing I didn’t think about is why the blind man called out to Jesus by name. Okay, so he was told it was Jesus, and he probably had heard the stories about what Jesus was doing. I mean, how many times do able-bodied people think that someone with one disability has all the possible disabilities? “Oh, he’s blind – he won’t hear what I’m saying” would probably be the unconscious thought of many who went past him. But blind people generally have honed their other senses to a degree the rest of us could only dream of, and hearing is one of the most used. But who would have called Jesus the son of David around this guy? How on earth did he know that bit of information? I don’t think it gets explained anywhere in the Bible. Maybe someone will explain it to me properly one day. Until then, I reckon I’ll just put it down to ‘a voice in the wilderness’ and leave it there.

Second thing was the fact that the blind guy was a beggar. Being blind was how he made his living. It would have been a meager living, but it was a living. I doubt he had any family – as in wife and kids, maybe siblings to help him to his spot each day and then to wherever he called home of a night. Maybe he had friends to help him. Maybe he had no one at all. Yet when Jesus called him, he asked for his sight back. On the surface, that seems to be a major plus. But when I think about it a bit more deeply, there are some things I find disturbing. Okay, he didn’t have much of a life. I don’t know if he had been blind all his life – or had lost his sight through accident or disease at some time. What ever the case was, the story seems to infer that he had sat by the road in that spot for many years. But it was a secure thing. He knew where he was, who he was. People knew him, and surely there were a few really kind people who would ensure there were a few coppers on his cloak each day.

That’s the third thing – the cloak. He leaves it behind when Jesus calls to him: the one piece of apparel that protects you from the heat of the sun and the cold of the night, with the added bonus of it being where he collected his wages. Yet he walked away without it. He could see, and he left the cloak behind. I don’t get it. If nothing else, it’s a useful piece of clothing – essential I would think. I have a few  theories about this. In the joy of discovering he can see, perhaps it simply got forgotten. While he was talking to Jesus, possibly someone stole it. Maybe, now that he can see, the cloak is a reminder of his old life, and he doesn’t want to remember that any more – a version of Paul’s ‘putting off the old man and putting on the new’? It does seem strange, though, that something that is such an integral part of life in general is left behind. That’s another theory, of course – that the man simply upped and left his livelihood to follow Jesus, just like the disciples did.

So, where does this leave me? Do I opt in or out here?

Let me first explore some associations I’ve made here – links between me and the blind man.

I have spent most of my life blind. Blind to the beauty around me, blind to the joys of truly living, blind to the love and caring of the people who have shared my life at various times, but mostly blind to the love, understanding and forgiveness of God as found in Jesus. So, I can kind of relate to the blind man sitting at the side of the road, ‘watching’ life pass by. Wasting my time – at least the blind man used his time to get some money! – letting things happen around me because I was too blind to see that I could be part of things. Too absorbed in my own miseries and victimhood to get off my arse and do something worthwhile. I’ve been content to sit and watch the world go by, expecting it to provide me with what I need to live, rather than going out onto the road and finding my true vocation. I’ll come back to that in a minute. But where the blind man and I differ is in our reaction to the offer Jesus makes us. He goes forth, fearlessly, to meet his destiny. I hang back, worried about the cost to me, to my family, to my social status. I wonder what will be expected of me, what I will have to give up or offer in return. I have enough in my life to want to know for what purpose I am wanted. The blind man had little or nothing to lose – except his cloak – but I have a lot of material possessions I don’t want to lose. He gained the freedom that being sighted gives – a freedom I take for granted. Does this make me blind to the other freedoms God offers? I think so.

It is the blindness to my vocation which bothers me most. Rarely, if ever, have I really wanted to do something so much I’ve been able to sacrifice other things to get that one thing I so desired. Most of the time, I let myself get pushed into doing things because I don’t know what else to do. The rest of the time, I see something that needs to be done, so I just do it. All the time, when I start something new, I wonder why I’ve taken it on. Whatever possessed me to think I can do this? But whatever it is, it usually ends up working out okay in the long run. Not brilliant, not wonderful, but okay – in that it hasn’t killed me to date. Not once, though, have I deliberately set out on a course of education, social contact, career or anything else. Those few times I have determined ‘Yes, this is what I want to do’ something thwarts my plans, and I end up doing something completely different. And that ‘something’ is usually strategic enough that I can’t simply say that it can wait until I’ve done what I want. I’ve begun to take that as meaning it may be something I want to do, but it is something that I shouldn’t be doing.

For me, I don’t know if I’m in the right country, never mind on the right road to see Jesus walk past and make me the offer of a lifetime. There is no destination in sight. Sometimes, even the road isn’t in sight as I plough my way through the darkness of my victimhood. Do I have what it takes to emerge from my blindness, trust in the Lord and leave my cloak behind? Am I close to making that great leap of faith that the blind man took when he called out to Jesus, and then asked Jesus to heal him? Do I dare to approach Jesus and ask for salvation, for freedom?

The answer to every one of those questions is ‘I don’t know’. I want to say ‘Yes’, but I’m not yet ready. I still fear to trust totally in God and his forgiveness. I don’t think I’m alone there, either. I think a lot of people have something holding them back. Something they fear to let go. It isn’t necessarily something they worship more than God. It isn’t always something physical. It’s just a feeling that things are not quite in place. There’s a little more I want or need to know before I commit totally. I want to be reassured that God’s love isn’t transient, that it abides forever.

As I watch the crowd wander through Jericho in my mind’s eye, I see the once blind man excitedly talking to people, telling them what Jesus has done for him; and as they walk along, more people join in, intrigued by the story he tells. They’re ready to learn more, to walk with Jesus on the journey of life. That much, I think I can manage. That is the road God wants me on. Eventually, I’ll work out what it is I’m meant to do while I’m on the road. In the meantime, just being there, learning, seeing and knowing I am being lead in right paths is enough.

Jan Coates