Rowland asked me to write a response to you and get it back to him so that he could offer you a couple of responses, not just his own.

First of all, I am a Christian of long-standing, a Counselling Psychologist in Private Practice who sees many LGBT people, a gay partnered man and the author of book on the interface between faith and gay sexuality. I would like to comment first on your ‘battle’. This is a very common battle for gay people who are Christians. Do I allow myself to fall in love with someone which of course includes the expression of that love physically and emotionally or do I stay celibate because of what I perceive traditional Christian teaching on sexuality declares? Do I love, or do I stay celibate for the rest of my life? Well, my answer is: you love. The Bible did not understand human sexuality the way we do now and when it supposedly speaks of it, it is actually speaking of something else altogether, not gay sexual orientation as understood by science. We have an understanding of gay sexuality now which holds that a good proportion of its origin is genetic. I write about these weighty issues in some detail in my book and there is simply too much to go into here. There are also other places where you can readily read up on this information too. Suffice to say that your sexuality is part of your identity and that the wilful abnegation of it is the same as denying an essential part of who you are. As a Psychologist I do not recommend this to anyone. I tried it for about twenty two years and it took a great toll on my life and caused immense suffering and unhappiness, part of which story you can read on my blog post: Ex-Gay – Not The Way Part 3.

Now to the second part of your question, the part about developing feelings for your recently met brother. I would like to say first up that I understand these feelings may be very strong but also very confusing for you. It is not surprising. However, I want to offer a word of caution. It is not impossible in the world that separated siblings sometimes meet and fall in love. In the straight world where this happens, there is the matter of consanguinity; the problem of copulating with a blood relative which can cause mutations in the development of offspring produced. Of course, where separated brothers who are both gay later meet, there is no issue of consanguinity of course, but there is the risk of significant emotional and relational disturbance.

A sibling relationship is not the same as a partnered relationship. It never was and it never will be. I am not surprised that the two of you have established a close connection, but in all honesty, I have to think that you might be confusing this wonderful new connection with your brother, especially given that it is supportive and caring, by conflating it with romantic love. In truth, I think both of you will save yourselves a huge amount of distress, and probably emotional and family turmoil, if you keep the two kinds of relationships firmly separated in your minds. He needs to be your brother not your partner. There are other guys out there with whom you can fall in love and have a wonderful relationship with. You do not have to do this with your brother. At the moment, he feels less like a brother than a friend because he is all brand new on the scene in your life. But he IS your brother regardless. It would be awesome to have a supportive caring gay brother in your life as a young 20 something rather than a secretive confused relationship that people will not understand and perhaps over which they may even shun you. Such a relationship, make no mistake, is extremely confronting to most people. To your direct question: is sibling love an orientation? I would answer no it is not an orientation. It can happen but typically does happen when things get mixed up, confused and conflated. It is not a path to a happier less tortured life for you. You deserve to have someone special in your life and you have to be free to find that someone.

My counsel is to move away from these feelings. Make a decision. Choose to move away from them. Let them go. Keep your brother as your brother. Be open to meeting someone. You need to do this first. And then find a lover and partner who can stand beside you confidently and happily where you can support each other as partners. There are even plenty of gay Christians out there if you’d like to meet a Christian guy. If you give it a chance, you’ll find someone and you will find love. Go and talk to someone professionally if you need some help to distinguish and separate these feelings again so that you can be clear in your mind over the two categories; brother, partner. They need to be distinct.

I wish you my very best.

Dr Stuart Edser

Counselling and Health Psychologist

See here for a review of Dr. Edser’s excellent book Being Gay Being Christian.

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More: (Note from Rowland: I don’t necessarily endorse the content of the following, but provide these links for anyone wants to explore the general issue/s thoroughly. I’m yet to find a ‘progressive Christian’ article/book on the subject. Any suggestions?):

Pro and con Homosexual Incest. William Saletan’s article on Homosexuality, polygamy and incest . Incest between twins (‘Twincest’). Online Discussions on Homosexual Incest. Pornography: The dark side of homosexual incest .