Who was the worst troll of 2013?

Don’t feed the trolls. That’s rule number one of the internet. When you’re confronted with someone who enjoys deliberately making unnecessarily inflammatory statements, the best course of action is to deny them the emotional response they crave. Everyone knows that.

But, oh, it’s hard. Especially when, as this year has proved, some people can actually make a pretty good living from being a troll. We’ve picked eight of the most recognisable – some politicians, some entertainers, some only known for how unremittingly awful they are – and pitted them against each other to find our Troll of the Year. So, yes, we’re feeding the trolls. But at least we’re feeding them to each other.

The contenders

Richard Dawkins Evolutionary biologist, 72. Favoured targets: Christians, Islam, airport regulations

Godfrey Bloom Independent MEP, 64. Favoured targets: women, made-up countries

Louise Mensch Former Conservative MP, 42. Favoured targets: The Guardian, the left in general

Katie Hopkins Ex-Apprentice candidate, 38. Favoured targets: The working class, Scottish people, Holly Willoughby

Jeremy Irons Actor, 65. Favoured targets: Fathers hoping to marry their sons

David Davies Conservative MP, 43. Favoured targets: Parents of gay children

Wiley Musician, 35. Favoured targets: Music festivals, music festival organisers, farms

James Arthur Former X-Factor winner, 25. Favoured targets: Gay people, women, his own fans

Round one: Richard Dawkins v Godfrey Bloom

Bloom opens strongly, claiming that British aid shouldn’t be sent to “Bongo Bongo Land”, but that’s all he’s got. He fumbles around, trying to land a follow-up by blurting out that some of Ukip’s women are “sluts”, but he’s clearly struggling. Dawkins cooly opens Twitter, types “All the world’s Muslims have fewer Nobel prizes than Trinity College, Cambridge“, and instantly obliterates him.

Winner: Dawkins

Louise Mensch v Katie Hopkins

Mensch makes a decent enough fist of trolling – starting fights with Alastair Campbell here, claiming that depressed people should go jogging there – but she’s a gnat in the face of the towering cave troll that is her opponent. Hopkins declares that she’d never allow her children to play with anyone called Tyler, because people called Tyler are poor and probably criminals. Mensch backs down, defeated. Her mistake was trying to make points about stuff, and not just spraying mindless invective all over the place for no reason.

Winner: Hopkins

Jeremy Irons v David Davies

In one corner we have Irons, from Die Hard 3, objecting to gay marriage on the grounds that a father could marry his son for tax reasons. In the other we’ve got Davies, telling anyone who’ll listen that most people don’t want to have gay kids. At this stage it’s a stand-off. But Irons flinches first, apologising and saying “I think gay marriage is wonderful”. A rookie error. Not Davies, though. He attempts a semi-apology by claiming that he knows lots of gay people. He posts a picture of one on Twitter. It’s his sparring partner. Davies has posted a picture of himself punching a gay man to prove that he likes gay people

Winner: Davies

Wiley v James Arthur

Wiley steps up first. He’s just arrived at Glastonbury, determinedto harsh everyone’s buzz. He tweets “Rain ffs”, “Everybody is getting sacked” and climaxes with the glorious “Fuck them and their farm”. But, in truth, he’s too entertaining to count as a troll. James Arthur, on the other hand, hates all forms of entertainment. He uses a homophobic slur in a rap, then demonstrates just the right amount of poor impulse control by lashing out at anyone who mentions it on Twitter. It’s trolling as performance art.

Winner: Arthur

The semi-finals: Richard Dawkins v Katie Hopkins

Let’s look at how the candidates respond to criticism. Dawkins has some honey confiscated at an airport, and responds by saying “Bin Laden has won”. When confronted with the inevitable mockery, he tweets as many sympathetic replies as he can to strengthen his point (classic trollwork) and then calls everyone else “thick”. But Hopkins is too much of a relentless trollbot to even acknowledge abuse. She sees a terminally ill child on TV. She makes fun of its name on Twitter. People are outraged. She motors on as if nothing’s happened. The woman is kevlar.

Winner: Hopkins

David Davies v James Arthur

We already know how Davies responds to things: by posting pictures of stuff he’s punched. But that’s his one and only trick. Compared to this, James Arthur is a supernova. He starts howling abuse at fellow X-Factor star Lucy Spraggan, and Frankie Boyle. The more he lashes out, the more things get out of hand. Until, eventually, like a shuttle attempting re-entry at the wrong angle, Arthur starts glowing red and disintegrating. He has to hand control of his Twitter account to his management. People gather on beaches to admire the wreckage. It is beautiful.

Winner: Arthur

The final battle: Katie Hopkins v James Arthur

Sadly, James Arthur’s continued absence on Twitter – along with the fact that he apologised, like a wimp – means that he could only ever come second. Nothing can stop Katie Hopkins now. She develops the ability to turn anything into a jibe at the poor. Names. Television shows. Helicopter accidents. Whatever it is, she can be awful about it at a moment’s notice. There’s a purity to her determination to deliberately spout wrongheaded cack. It’s offensiveness for offensiveness’s sake. She’s so vile she actually made Holly Willoughby angry once. Only a true monster has the capacity to do that. All hail Katie Hopkins, your Queen of the Trolls.

Winner: Hopkins

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/30/worst-troll-2013?CMP=ema_632