We all experience God’s love from a different perspective – this is mine, but not at all uncommon.

My home life as a child consisted of my mum and I. My dad was never under the same roof, apart from a few times he took me to his football club while he poured beers behind the bar. These outings with him were infrequent, and quite often a lonely afternoon for a four year old for whom an afternoon drags into an eternity.

My worst memory was the day that he was taking me to the local swimming pool. Sporting my speedos, a T-shirt, a zinc covered nose and a kickboard, I stepped into his car. Unfortunately, I spent that summer’s day sitting in the front seat driving around the city while he ran errands. We never went to the pool, and with an apology he dropped me home. I felt hurt – let down and humiliated.

I have a few good memories with him: kicking the footy for five minutes at half time at the footy club, having him over at mum’s place to make a sandpit in the backyard, but they were short and few.

There came a time that I began to feel very anxious about his visits. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good man and he never abused me, but I felt like I was going out with a stranger and that I was having to get to know him over and over again. I began to hide from him when his car pulled up in the driveway – under the bed, behind a door. My mum saw this behaviour, and seeing that it was beginning to be more harmful than good she gave dad a choice. Visit me consistently so I could get to know him or don’t be there at all. It would appear that he took the easy option and I didn’t see him again for about a decade. The hiding went into my adult life when I would see him in a public place and hide out of fear of being seen and possibly having to speak to him.

Mum always said, ‘God is your Heavenly Father, He’s with you and will fill the void your earthly father has left.’ I had faith in God from a young age and clung onto that advice though not understanding the concept. How could I understand the concept of ‘Heavenly Father’ when my experience of my earthly father was one of absence, fear and disappointment? Yet through my mum and teaching in Sunday school I knew that by believing in God, he healed all kinds of wounds; physical, emotional and spiritual. It was a child-like trust in something I didn’t understand or even see, but it must have been the best kind of faith coming from a disappointed kid.

Once starting my own family, I really understood how my Heavenly Father viewed me, both when I was young and now. I sometimes make mistakes, blame him for circumstances, rebel and the like, yet He looks at me with an indescribable affection and acceptance. Despite my faults and scars, he looks at me and sees aspects of himself and feels proud that He made me. Despite the times I have felt alone, He was never far away, simply letting me stand on my own two feet and develop my individual character to be prepared for life. Quite simply, He delights in my very existence, and I delight in knowing he has watched me crawl, is watching me walk and will be cheering me on when I finally run across the line.

squeaker [at] squeaker.org

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IN YOUR LOVE
Words & music by Steve Staben – 2003

Performed by Squeaker

Since You found me I have felt so alive
You take me over and I have no need to hide
And I must say I’m a slave to You now
You’ve bound me to Your heart

Chorus

In Your love I’m fearless
In Your love I’m free
You lift me to higher places
You filled the space and completed me

Never changing from beginning to end
And like a child I will run into Your arms
I believe and receive the promise that
We will never be apart

Bridge

You filled the space with Your grace
My life is held in Your embrace
I’ll never be alone again