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Family

Women and Sexuality

SEXUALITY

( notes of a talk by my wife Jan, based on Willard Harley’s ‘His Needs Her Needs’ to a Church Women’s Group, November 2005)

INTRODUCTION

Pam Ayer’s poem ‘Do I Have to Have Sex at Sixty?’

(http://jmm.org.au/articles/16263.htm)

Marital conflict is created when couples fail to make each other happy or when they make each other unhappy. In the first case they are frustrated because their needs are not being met and in the second case they deliberately hurt each other. The first cause of conflict is failure to care and the second is failure to protect.

It’s the ‘failure to care’ or failure to meet each other’s most important marital needs that I’d like to address tonight. Men tend to try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same. The problem is that the needs of men and women are often very different and we waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs.

So the most important thing I want to say tonight is BECOME AWARE OF EACH OTHER’S NEEDS AND LEARN TO MEET THEM. This does not mean that ALL needs are to be met by a spouse, but when we married we made a commitment to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each other on an exclusive basis – those needs that we agreed not to let anyone else meet. For example, when a man marries he depends upon his wife to meet his sexual need and if this need is met he finds in his wife a source of intense pleasure, but if the need is not met he begins to associate her with frustration.

So what are these needs? Willard F. Harley in his book HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS lists what he sees as generally the five basic needs in marriage

FOR MEN

1. Sexual fulfilment

2. Recreational companionship

3. An attractive spouse

4. Domestic support

5. Admiration

FOR WOMEN

1. Affection

2. Conversation

3. Honesty and openness

4. Financial support

5. Family commitment

By learning to understand our spouse’s needs as a totally different person, we can become an expert in meeting all that person’s marital needs, if we would like to.

If any of a spouse’s five basic needs goes unmet that spouse becomes vulnerable to temptation.

Note that men share to a lesser degree the five needs of women and vice versa.

AFFECTION IS THE CEMENT OF A RELATIONSHIP

To most women affection symbolises security, protection, comfort and approval. When a husband shows his wife affection he sends the message that she is important to him, that he cares about her, he’s concerned about any problems she faces and that he is proud of her.

You can’t receive too many hugs – is that right? Not to mention flowers, dinner out occasionally, courtesy in cars etc., holding hands when walking……..

Most men are willing to learn if we are humble enough to share our needs.

We each must learn new habits that will transform that knowledge into action.

WHEN IT COMES TO SEX AND AFFECTION, YOU CAN’T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER.

QUESTIONS FOR HIM

1. Is affection the environment for our entire marriage?

2. In the past have I tended to equate affection with getting sexually aroused? Why hasn’t this worked?

3. In what specific ways do I show my wife affection?

4. Would I be willing to have her coach me in how to show her more affection in the ways she really likes it?

QUESTIONS FOR HER

1. How important is affection to me?

2. If I’m not getting enough affection from my husband, am I willing to put aside my pride and patiently coach him?

3. Would I find it easier to make love if I felt he were truly interested in me and affectionate toward me?

TO CONSIDER TOGETHER

1. Do we need to talk about affection? If so, what exactly do we need to share?

2. Is there enough affection in our marriage? What examples can we give?

3. How can we have ‘affection practice?’ What is comfortable for both of us?

THE TYPICAL WIFE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HER HUSBAND’S DEEP NEED FOR SEX ANY MORE THAN THE TYPICAL HUSBAND UNDERSTANDS HIS WIFE’S DEEP NEED FOR AFFECTION.

Remember – affection is the environment of the marriage, sex is the special event. It does wonders for a wife to grasp just how special a man finds sex. In fact he needs it – very badly. Many couples think they are incompatible and fail to find sexual fulfilment due to their own ignorance. By talking about what brings sexual satisfaction and working together to achieve it can result in a great experience. It doesn’t always just come naturally.

It is important to overcome your own sexual ignorance and to communicate your sexual understanding to each other. And of course this takes time – we must plan for it!

In this busy world many couples abandon their relationship to build a fortune or a career, but in the end they have only the fortune or the career. Remember that money or a career serves a marriage; a marriage should never serve money or a career.

SUMMARY

Let me urge you to get hold of this book and read it so that you can discuss it together.

THE IRRESISTABLE MAN according to Harley

A man makes himself irresistible to his wife if:-

1. He meets her need for affection with plenty of hugs and kisses at every opportunity. He also tells her how much he cares for her with a steady flow of words, cards, flowers, gifts and common courtesies. I will say it one more time: Affection is the environment in which to grow a wonderful marriage.

2. He meets her need for intimate conversation by talking with her at the feeling level. He listens to her attitudes about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest and concern. All his conversations with her convey a desire to understand her, but not to change her.

3. He meets her need for honesty and openness by looking her in the eye and telling her what he really thinks. He explains his plans and actions clearly and completely because he regards himself as accountable to her. He wants her to trust him and feel secure.

4. He meets her need for financial support by firmly shouldering the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe his family. If his income is insufficient to adequately support his wife, he does not feel sorry for himself; instead he looks for concrete ways to increase his earnings by upgrading his skills or he sits down with his wife to determine how to make better use of what income they have, how to lower their standard of living if necessary in order to raise their marriage to a safer and more fulfilling level.

5. He meets her need for family commitment by putting his family first. He commits his time and energy to the moral and intellectual development of the children. For example, he reads to them, he engages in sports with them, and takes them camping or on other outings. He does not play the fool’s game of working long hours, trying to get ahead, while his children and spouse languish in neglect.

THE IRRESISTABLE WOMAN

A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his basic needs.

1. She meets his need for sexual fulfilment by becoming an excellent sexual partner for him. She studies her own response to recognise and understand what brings out the best in her; then she communicates this information to her husband, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.

2. She meets his need for recreational companionship by developing mutual interests with her husband. She discovers those activities her husband most enjoys and tries to become proficient in them. If she learns to enjoy them she joins him in them. If she doesn’t, she encourages him to consider others that they can enjoy together. She becomes her husband’s s constant recreational companion so that he repeatedly and associates her with the pastimes he enjoys most.

3. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup and clothes in a way that her husband finds attractive and tasteful. Her husband is pleased and proud of her in public and in private.

4. She meets his need for domestic support by creating a home that offers him an atmosphere of peace and quiet. She manages the home and care of the children. This gives him opportunity to spend evenings and weekends with her and their children in educational and recreational activities.

5. She meets his need for admiration and respect by understanding his value and achievements more than anyone else. She reminds him of his capabilities and helps him maintain his self-confidence. She is proud of her husband, not out of duty, but as an expression of sincere admiration for the man with whom she has chosen to share her life.

Jan Croucher

November 2005

~~~

Ephesians 5:21-33 (The Message)

Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.

The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing.

So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church–a love marked by giving, not getting.

Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.

And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor–since they’re already “one” in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body.

And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.”

This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church.

And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

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