I’ve just Googled Mixed Orientation Marriages, and found these at the top of their list of sites. Note that most of the articles listed do not have an explicit Christian approach.

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Mixed-orientation marriage

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

For the more general concept, see Mixed marriage

A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage between a man and a woman in which one of the partners is heterosexual and the other is bisexual or homosexual. A study on 26 gay and bisexual men found that internalized homophobia is a factor that leads such men into mixed-orientation marriages.[1] While a few mixed-orientation marriages endure, the majority of them fail.[2]

The New York Times reported “On the whole these are not marriages of convenience or cynical efforts to create cover. Gay and bisexual men continue to marry for complex reasons, many impelled not only by discrimination, but also by wishful thinking, the layered ambiguities of sexual love and authentic affection.”[3] A mixed-orientation marriage used to cover up one’s sexual orientation, especially for their career, is called a lavender marriage.[4]

Joe Kort, a counselor specializing in mixed-orientation marriages, said “These men genuinely love their wives. They fall in love with their wives, they have children, they’re on a chemical, romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls away and their gay identity starts emerging. They don’t mean any harm.”[3] Others cite spiritual reasons for getting married.[5][6] One married homosexual man said his “spiritual identity” had always been “marriage and family.”[7] While many hide their orientation from their spouse, others tell their spouse before marriage.[7] LGB parents must also decide how and when to come out to their children. For many, this may be a difficult process.[8] It is also possible that a woman was exclusively heterosexual in behavior and fantasies before marriage, but grew toward a more homosexual orientation during marriage.[9] If a change in sexual orientation after a period of relative stability in sexual orientation causes anxiety or depression, especially if the person is involved in a relationship, they may have a sexual maturation disorder.

Heterosexual spouse

One study states that heterosexual women in mixed-orientation marriages may be attracted to homosexual men and proceed to marry them.[10] Kort said “straight individuals rarely marry gay people accidentally.”[11] He theorized that some heterosexual women find homosexual men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.[3]

Heterosexual wives of homosexual men who did not know of their husband’s sexual orientation may feel deceived or stupid for not having known. It is often difficult for them to seek support from family and friends because of fear of encountering social disapproval or ostracism.[12] Findings suggest that heterosexual wives struggled less with the homosexuality itself than with problems of isolation, stigma, loss, cognitive confusion and dissonance, and lack of knowledgeable, empathic support or help in problem solving.[13] Heterosexual wives often feel they are not feminine enough, while heterosexual husbands feel they are not masculine enough. The heterosexual spouse may feel sexually inadequate. If a gay or bisexual husband had an affair, the heterosexual wife may fear having contracted sexually transmitted diseases.[14]

Sexual relationship disorder

A person who is either in a mixed-orientation marriage or wishes to enter into one may go to therapy or support groups to deal with issues involved in that type of marriage.[15] A significant number of men and women experience conflict surrounding homosexual expression within marriage.[16] Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with difficulties in marital satisfaction, viewing the same-sex activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the marriage and to monogamy.[17] Research by Coleman suggest that some develop a positive homosexual identity while maintaining a successful marriage.[18] Therapy may include helping the client feel more comfortable and accepting of same-sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life patterns.[19] Peers provide the most support, while therapists are often unfamiliar with sexual orientation, mixed orientation couples, or societal attitudes that impact mixed orientation families.[20]

Approximately one third of marriages end immediately when the bisexual or homosexual spouse reveals his or her sexual orientation, whereas another third end after a short period of time. The remaining third try to make it work. The most successful ones reassess their relationship in light of the sexual orientation, where less successful ones try to make the marriage the same as it was before.[14]

The neutrality of this article is disputed. Please see the discussion on the talk page. Please do not remove this message until the dispute is resolved. (June 2009)
A person with a bisexual or homosexual orientation may attempt conversion therapy, often because of religious/moral conflict, opportunity for opposite-sex marriage and family, maintenance of existing marriage and family, or desire to avoid the non-monogamy and risky sexual behaviors that create serious risk for HIV infection.[21] They may also attend ex-gay groups, either before or after their marriage.[22] Dr. Robinson interviewed seven men in a mixed-orientation marriage who had been through an ex-gay group. They believe they had a spiritual transformation and that their orientation was changed. They were no longer troubled by feeling different or rejected by heterosexual men, emotional attraction to men, sexual attraction to men, feeling bad about same-sex desires, social isolation, or compulsive sexual thoughts and behaviors. Robinson found that their change came from a new understanding that prior same-sex attractions did not require them to be gay.[23]

Some bisexual men express with minimal conflict their homosexual and heterosexual impulses within the framework of a mixed-orientation marriage,[24] with openness and communication being a key factor.[25]
Support groups are available for those involved in a mixed-orientation marriage. The New York Times states “Although precise numbers are impossible to come by, 10,000 to 20,000 wives of gay husbands have contacted online support groups, and increasing numbers of them are women in their 20s or 30s.”[3]

Divorce

Divorce is one possible resolution for the homosexual partner, potentially with re-marriage to person of the same sex. Many [quantify]gay and lesbian people who come out late in life have children from a previous heterosexual marriage.

In media

The theme of mixed-orientation marriages in literature dates back at least to 1899 with the publication of A Marriage Below Zero by Alfred J. Cohen (writing under the pseudonym Chester Allan Dale). Cohen’s heterosexual female narrator was married to a homosexual man. Cohen believed that women should be aware of the sexual orientation of a potential husband so they would avoid marrying a homosexual man.[26] Lesbian pulp fiction sometimes included married women exploring their attraction to other women. Other examples of the theme include Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx, which features two married cowboys in love with each other.

The filmed version of Brokeback Mountain helped bring the issue of mixed-orientation marriages to public attention,[3] but several other movies had already dealt with the issue. Talk shows, such as Oprah, have also dealt with the issue.[27]

More, including references: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed-orientation_marriage

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Straight Spouses – – What to Do and What Not to Do If Your Spouse is Gay

You’ve had your suspicions. Your normal sexual appetite is considered by your mate to be excessive. Your spouse doesn’t want to have anything to do with you sexually and acts repulsed by sexual activity. Your partner becomes more and more secretive and moody. You notice him/her looking at people of the same sex differently.
Then you discover the truth and learn that your spouse is gay or bisexual.

As your world turns upside down, and as your partner ‘comes out’, you find yourself shoved in the closet.

Although you may feel alone, isolated and shamed, you are none of these.

Statistics Concerning Mixed Orientation Couples

Mixed orientation couples means that one spouse is either gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.

According to the Straight Spouse Network, it is estimated that there are up to 2 million mixed orientation couples. According to Amity Buxton of the Straight Spouse Network, “When the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years, sorting out what to do and then divorce; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. A half of these couples divorce, while half of them (17% of the total) stay together for three or more years.”

The Family Pride Coalition compiled the following statistics:

* 20 percent of all gay men in America are in a heterosexual marriage.
* 50 percent of all gay men in America have fathered children.
* 40 percent of all lesbians in America are married to a male partner.
* 75 percent of all lesbians have children.

Key Issues Facing a Straight Spouse

* Sexual rejection.
* Damaged sexual self-esteem.
* Questions like “what did I do to cause this” or “am I not masculine/feminine enough”?
* Low self-image and a high level of self-doubt.
* Concern about the children. How will they handle the news? What about the gay influence when they stay with their gay parent?
* Shattered beliefs after living a lie.
* Confusion about marriage and whether it is worth saving.

More… http://marriage.about.com/cs/straightspouses/a/straightspouse.htm

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5 Reasons Gay-Straight Marriages Can Work

08 Jan 2008

by Pat

Most people think that divorce is a foregone conclusion when one spouse comes out of the closet as gay in a marriage. While it is true that the majority of mixed orientation marriages (MOM) do break up (about 80%), it is also true that a significant percentage of couples manage to hold it together. Since the overall statistic for divorce approaches 50%, one can extrapolate that about 30% of MOM ¢â‚¬â„¢s end in divorce primarily because of the homosexual issue. About 20% stay married, despite all the odds. So how do they do it?

Every couple is different, and what works for one will not for another. In general however, the success in maintaining mixed orientation marriages will be dependent on several factors.

1. The basic strength of the marriage. If the husband and wife function well as a team and maintain strong lines of communication, the chances of success are greater. The more problems there are in addition to one spouse being gay, the more likely the marriage will not be able to survive. If the overwhelming issue is that a spouse is gay, but the marriage has few other problems, the marriage is more likely to survive.

2. The existence of mutual love and respect. When spouses describe each other as best friends and profess love for each other, there is a greater likelihood the marriage will survive. This aspect may seem a bit confusing, since the gay spouse is naturally romantically attracted to the same sex ¢â‚¬ ¦so how could they profess love for their spouse? This is possible for two reasons. First, although a gay person may be predominantly attracted to the same sex, it is entirely possible to be occasionally attracted to the opposite sex. There is a theory that attractions occur on a continuum and that very few people are strictly 100% gay or 100% heterosexual. Second, there is a distinction between love and being in love. When pressed, many gay spouses will admit to being loving toward their spouse rather than being in love.

3. Open mindedness to alternative lifestyles. When both spouses are agreeable to trialling options such as open marriage, a third partner or swapping, much pressure on the relationship can be alleviated. these options come with their own set of risks, though. It is best to seek professional guidance prior to embarking this path in order to keep the relationship as centered as possible. An alternative to seeking external sex partners is for the couple to expand their creativity in the bedroom, including the use of toys, cross-dressing, graphic videos and role playing.

4. Sex drive. If both spouses happen to have a low sex drive, there will be less pressure to find alternate partners. Of course, being gay is not just about sex, but rather the romantic emotional attachments derived from a same sex partner. So, even with low sex drive accounted for, the gay partner may experience a desire to form an emotional relationship outside the marriage. In some cases gay spouses are able to connect with others in the same circumstance and form non-sexual emotional relationships.

5. Strong religious beliefs. This factor can work either for or against a couple in a MOM. If both spouses share a strong belief that the marriage vows cannot be broken, then there is tremendous motivation to find ways to make the relationship work. A danger to avoid is in trying to change the gay spouse ¢â‚¬â„¢s orientation to straight. There is no evidence this works over the long haul. A much better option is to acknowledge the gay spouse and to try and accommodate their needs. Religious beliefs can work against the couple if it causes the gay spouse to experience guilt and depression.

If you are a spouse in a mixed orientation marriage, you owe it to yourself to give careful consideration to the decision to divorce or stay together. Do not make the assumption that it can ¢â‚¬â„¢t work, since many MOM ¢â‚¬â„¢s do succeed. Instead, stay open minded, consider experimentation both within and outside traditional marriage boundaries and seek professional assistance to help guide your way.

If you are lesbian or gay and are in a MOM, visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com

http://discoveringprideblog.wordpress.com/2008/01/08/5-reasons-gay-
straight-marriages-can-work/

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Out Together

Why Spouses Stay in Mixed Orientation Marriages (MOMs)

A collection of stories written by men and women in mixed-orientation relationships.

These are stories of couples who stayed together after the husband or wife came out, an outcome that is possible but is too often overlooked. Although there are many stories available describing the experiences of spouses who separated after a husband or wife disclosed being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, few reports about couples who stayed married are readily available. Making their voices heard is the reason for this “Out Together” project.

See: http://www.straightspouse.org/OutTogether.shtml

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See here for an article by a Canadian United Methodist Minister on this subject.