by Norman and Ann Bales

Some Positive Steps a Parent Can Take Scripture records many illustrations of children
who walked in the spiritual footprints of their parents. Paul commended Timothy for the
faith that was transmitted through his mother, Lois, and his grandmother, Eunice (2
Timothy 1). Acts 21:9 tells us about the evangelist Philip who had four virgin daughters
that   prophesied. Several passages in the Bible speak of entire households walking
with God (Acts 10:24; 47-48; 16:34; 2 Timothy 1:16)

These examples and many others are shared from pulpits and in Bible classes to
encourage parents as they raise their children. But these examples may intimidate those
with children who have gone astray.   They have again and again asked the question
“Why?” “What’s wrong with us? They are experiencing feelings of unique
aloneness that Tolstoy summed up perfectly in the first sentence of Anna Karenina.
“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
But even though the parents are unhappy in their own individual way, they share a mutual  hurt. What can be done to encourage the parents that are struggling with the hurt and  anguish that comes when a child goes astray?

SOME POSITIVE STEPS A PARENT CAN TAKE

1. Don’t let a straying child destroy peace in your home. When a child casts off family
ties and family values, parents are crushed. If their lives have been enmeshed in their
religious beliefs and they are involved in a local church, another issue arises.
“What will the church people think of us?” “What will other families and
neighbors think.” To deal with these feelings we need to start by asking this
question, “Am I more concerned about my own reputation than I am about my child and
his/her real need?” When we begin to focus on our own need instead of our child’s, we
allow the child to continue to be in control of what goes on in the home. The child’s
behavior soon disrupts the whole family balance and there is no longer peace in the home.  Charles Swindoll, in his book Growing Wise In Family Life, talks about confronting the  unpleasant in your family. He says, ” . .no rebel is worth the destruction of the
family unit.” He believes that if there is a principle at stake that principle must  be chosen over the person, even if it is your child. This is especially true if there are  other siblings still in the home. The straying child can cause a breech between husband  and wife, between parents and other siblings and totally disrupt peace and harmony in the
family. This harmony and peace must be maintained, even if the child has to be expelled
from the home.

2. Find an understanding person to talk with. When a family is going through this
ordeal they are in need of a support system. “I need someone to talk with who can
understand what I’m going through, someone who has felt what I feel.” The need is for
someone who can be empathetic and willing to listen. They can share the hurt and pain
because they have been through this same valley. There is a desperate need to understand  the straying child and the problems that generate the inward struggle within the child.  There is a need to love and accept the child where he or she is right now. Only God can  change them. God’s people should be an open-armed source of fellowship, strength and  support for all kinds of hurting people. Sometimes parents feel they are totally alone and  that no one else has dealt with this problem. That isn’t true. Your feelings have to be  accepted. We know from personal experience that there are a lot of people who have had  this struggle. The key to finding these people is to let them know what is going on and  that is very difficult to do. We have to learn to risk so that the ones who have been  through this trial can know we need them to listen to us.

3. Learn how to accept wayward children without approving of their behavior. One of the
first feelings a parent faces is rejection. You don’t approve of the child’s behavior so
you reject the child because of his or her rebellious behavior. It is possible to choose
either passive or active rejection. Passive rejection occurs when you simply ignore your
child. Active rejection takes place when you attack or verbally berate your son or
daughter. You may be so frustrated by your child’s waywardness, that you hope the drastic  act of rejection will deter any further rebellion. Usually it doesn’t. Discipline is
necessary for children, but the greater need is unconditional love.

In scripture the overwhelming emphasis for parents is to love their children. There are
only a few passages on disciplining children and many on loving your children. The way to  overcome rejection is by acceptance. Human beings have an unquenchable desire for
acceptance. From infancy children crave assurance of their worth. They need love but they  also need to feel worthy of love. This basic human need is never outgrown. The straying  child needs this more than ever. It isn’t always easy to give. We must be determined and  lovingly accept our child -sins and all. This degree of difficulty escalates because we  feel such a keen sense of disappointment. We’re also scared. We feel so helpless as we  watch our children test the thin ice of independence and the even thinner ice of  rebellion.

Don’t confuse acceptance with approval, however. Many hurting parents feel that
acceptance has been the single most important factor through which God seemed to work. The  acceptance principle is certainly biblical. In Romans 5:8 the Lord shows us that he  recognizes and uses his power of acceptance. He reminds us that while we were still  sinners, our hurting Heavenly Father not only was willing to accept us, but sent His only  Son to die to prove it.

4. Control your anger by offering unconditional love. An outflow of rejection is anger.
Anger is the instinctive human response to fear, pain or frustration which all occur in
hurting parents. You cannot afford to ignore your anger. It must be confronted and worked  through. The first step to do this is to admit your anger. Just the act of admitting the  emotion often helps control it. Admitting and attempting to control anger is more easily  accomplished when it is replaced with something else, something that is positive.

Unconditional love is the key. It is not instinctive; it is unnatural. It us a  conscious choice. Unconditional love must be shown in words and actions. Even when the  feelings sag, it can be continued by resolve. Unconditional acceptance and love has to  start with a conscious decision on our part. We may have to perform acts of acceptance  before our feelings follow along. In other words, “Act your way into a feeling.”  Just remember what love is according to 1 Corinthians 13.

NEXT WEEK: “Forgiving without Imposing Contingencies”

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